THE BREAKS HAVE SNAPPED, I'M ABOUT TO CRASH!!!!
The emotional side of my pregnancy has been taking a toll on me. I try not to get too emotional, but sometimes, I can't help it. Over hearing people talk about me and my family members being lazy really pisses me off. They might have a valid point, but not to the point where they are making comments every time they talk to my mom.
Tonight, I overheard one of my sisters talking to my mom about us not helping. Then she went on about how I was going to get a wake up call when the baby gets here. I have a problem with that, because, truthfully, it seems like we have her child more than she does. How does anyone know how I am going to be with my own child when it's only the size of a sesame seed? No one does. I have changed diapers, pee, poo, diarrhea and ones that looked like chalky rocks. I've been vomited on, snotted on, drooled on, and farted on. I know what to expect during the night, having to get up and down, up and down, every hour on the hour. Except people think that I am clueless. It actually hurts my feelings when I hear (it's kinda hard not to, especially when the phone is on speaker) that people have doubts.
Do you not think that I am SCARED out of my wits end? I am so afraid to lose my baby before I even experience the pregnancy. I want to be the best mommy to my child, and it doesn't help when people are saying hurtful and doubtful things about me. They don't even have the decency to say it to my face.
Yes, I need to help my mother out around the house, but since I am so early in my pregnancy, I can lose this baby to just about anything, especially cleaning chemicals and cat urine. I will be trying my damnest to be helping my mom out. With dishes, laundry, sweeping up, vacuuming, etc. Anything that is SAFE for me to do. And no body can tell me that I am going to far, because I'm not. For anyone who has ever had a child, you know that you would do the same exact thing. Nothing is a sure thing in pregnancy. I can miscarry, or have a stillborn. I just want to take the right steps into having a healthy and beautiful child.
Yes, I will admit wholeheartedly that I am lazy. Hell, I'll even preach it to a choir. I KNOW this. I am reminded about it 24/7, 365(366 on leap years) days a year. I feel as if what I do isn't good enough. Like if it isn't done 100% perfect, that I did it half-assed. And you know what, someone can only take that for so long. After awhile, I just throw my hands up in the air and say "fuck it", because I hardly get a thank you, or a "Wow! Great job!". I get a "You still haven't done..." and then it's all "whatever" after that.
I will be trying to make more of an effort, for myself and my unborn child. Just these past couple of days have been challenging, especially from me learning what I can and can't do, because of the harmfulness that it can cause me, and the baby. So tonight, I have come up with a plan with Bo (my fiance), that I can do most of the non-chemical chores, like laundry, dishes, and picking stuff up, but I don't want to over do it. I do have to take it a bit slow. My balance has been off, and if I pick something heavy up and try to stand back up like I usually would, I get light headed. So I will have to learn how to do this and do it around my limitations and try to learn what I should and shouldn't do so I don't wear myself out or get all light headed, because that causes nausea... ew..
Along with house work, I still have school on top of that. It kinda sucks, but I will try to get through it all before the baby comes. I will be talking to several people at my school to make a plan for during my pregnancy and afterwards. I also have appointments to go to, classes to attend, such as parenting classes, exercise (like yoga and swimming). So I will be a busy bee. My family and I are already planning a trip to Oregon to go visit my extended family (on my mom's side) during the summer (yippy! -_-)! I am excited to go see them, and hopefully we can travel about and see the sights and I can get my picture taken at all of these amazing sites so that my baby can see that, yes, mommy and daddy DO get out of the house.
Bo and I are planning to also get married this June (I'll be 6 months pregnant and SHOWING!!) and I am super excited about that! But I know that all of this comes in its own time. I need to start eating right, exercising, get on top of my schoolwork and work on getting better at doing housework, because one day, me and Bo will be out on our own with our child. Scary thought, but it's true. I am tried of telling people, "I know, I know", so I am going to start DOING it. c:
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a woman at my school to talk about getting help during my pregnancy and afterwards so I know that my schooling will be secure. Then I'll be going out with my parents and looking at scrap booking materials so I can start putting a book together for my time during pregnancy.
Anyways, I need to head to bed (after doing the dishes and wiping down the counters), I have school in the AM. Night all!
Love,
Ileyia Hines
